This morning was not my finest mommy hour. I'm trying to get everyone dressed and out the door, for church no less, and it happened. I lost it. My temper, my cool, my sanity, whatever you want to call it. Do you have mornings like that? Days when you are trying so hard to get everyone ready and not be late, again, for wherever you're heading and five minutes before you should leave, the house flies into chaos? Today was one of those days and unfortunately, today I did not handle it well.
I actually woke up with plenty of time to make it to the first church service today, which is usually my goal when I can make it happen. My three-year-old was up at the same time and I got her sat down to breakfast. I went in the living room and caught the weather on the news and got in my Scripture reading for the day. An excellent start to the day in my book. Too bad it didn't last long.
I went upstairs to take a shower and get dressed. I soon look at the clock and see we have 25 minutes until go-time. I go to the girls' room to rouse the sleepyhead. I get her settled with her breakfast and head back upstairs to dry my hair and get clothes for the kids. This is where the breakdown begins. I find some outfits and as I'm trying to get the last item off the hanger, the whole clothing rod crashes to the ground. I don't have time for this! I leave it and figure I'll fix it when we get home.
Time to dress the rugrats. I'm already on edge after the closet debacle and I am in no mood when my three-year-old is uncooperative. Ten minutes before it's time to leave is not the time to play cat-and-mouse! I can feel I am simmering below the surface as I finally manage to get clothes on and hair combed. Time for some deep breathing. I quickly run upstairs and do a super-quick makeup job and rush back downstairs.
Just as I'm about to tell them to put on their shoes, I see the mess. The half-empty juice jug, the full-to-the-brim cup, the puddle on the table and the spillover on the floor. It is time to leave and I just lose it. How many times have I told that girl that she is not to pour any drinks by herself? How many times have I already cleaned up a mess like this in the last week? Why does this happen right when it's time to leave? I realize I am yelling at my poor little three-year-old as I am hauling her, without much gentleness, to the timeout chair. I am still yelling as I am cleaning up the mess. Come on now, deep breaths! I calm down and I go release my girl from timeout.
I find a pair of shoes for each child and tell them to put them on as I take a load of stuff to the car. I come back in the house and tell them it's time to go. My five-year-old runs in all ready to go and I see her sister is snuggled in a blanket on the couch, shoes still on the floor. Final straw. The top blows. My lid is flipped. "Why can't you listen? I asked you to put your shoes on! It's time to go! We're going to be late! Why don't you listen to Mommy and obey?" I can feel my hands shaking, I am so angry. And over what? Some clothes on the floor? Some spilled juice? My daughter's selective hearing? I put the sandals on her feet and tell them them both to head outside.
I go upstairs and grab my shoes and hurry downstairs to make a PB sandwich for me to eat on the drive. The whole time I am praying. "Lord, why am I doing this? This is not the mother I want to be! I don't want to be the mom that always yells and screams. Please help me! Give me patience in this moment because right now I have none. Give me peace in my heart and soul because I feel like I am choking on my anger and anxiety."
God always comes through. He meets me right where I am. His peace and assurance can wash over me like a river if I will call upon Him. I prayed the words of Paul and admitted that I am doing exactly what I know I shouldn't do and I can't seem to make myself do what I know I ought to be doing. As I was yelling at my poor child, I could hear the voice in my head telling me to be quiet, but I couldn't seem to make myself stop. I needed the Holy Spirit to give me strength in that moment. I am grateful He did.
I was able to walk outside calmly. As I buckled the girls into the car, I asked them for forgiveness. "Even when you misbehave, Mommy should not yell like that. I was angry but I didn't need to scream at you. I'm sorry, will you forgive me?" I look into those beautiful eyes and I am grateful that little children are so quick to forgive.
I know it will not be the last time I must ask my children for forgiveness. I fail. I mess up. I fall short. I lose my temper. I am constantly trying to do better, but I know I will never reach perfection this side of heaven. I can only rest in the grace and mercy of my Heavenly Father and know that I can be better today than I was yesterday if I make an honest effort and lean on the one who can give me strength. I want to be a better mother, wife, friend, woman of God. I know I can be better when I walk in the ways of Christ who strengthens me. Not perfect, but better.
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